The Amazing Vegetabulb!

Introducing the next phase in green energy: Genetically mutated pumpkins that emit a soothing glow.

Really, this is true and I am not making it up.

#SarahPalinChannel

At first I thought this was a joke by the consistently funny Chris Robinson.

$9.95 for the #sarahpalinchannel. It's not a network, it's an all-you-can-eat word salad bar!
— Chris L. Robinson (@chrisLrob) July 28, 2014

"Oh, come on," I thought. "There's no way she is going pay-per-view."

I was wrong, yaaay!

“Tired of media filters? Well, so am I,” Palin Tweeted. “So, let’s go rogue together and launch our own member-supported channel.”

Ey? Let's dump that in the translator:

Liberal media, skree! Bad! Palin ME-dia! Good! Give me money!

Duh. How could I have missed that?

I predict great rejoicing. Already it has begun with snark a-plenty under #sarahpalinchannel and #PalinTV and the usual dimbulbs claiming that the liberals rolling around clutching their sides are having meltdowns. And that's before the first show airs. But - Wait what's this?

If Sarah Palin has her own channel, can Orly Taitz be far behind?
— Chris L. Robinson (@chrisLrob) July 28, 2014

 Nah. God doesn't love us that much.

Consider the wren.

Wrens have one of the most annoying alarm calls in the universe. Here's one courtesy of 10,000 birds.

Not my actual persecutor, but it sure sounded like this.

One of these powder puffs wants to bed down in the hanging spider plant. I want to sit on the porch and enjoy a beautiful breeze that is banishing the humidity and the skeeters. But I don't have an annoying alarm call.

Plus, wrens are cute as buttons.

So I'm going in.

Damn birds.

Well damn

Why didn't someone mention that this layout or template or whatever sucks bland, over-boiled donkey balls?

Hang on...

Ignorant fuque du jour

Or until the next one. Rep Curt Clownson (R-Floriderp).

I'm sooo wasted. One of you fetch me some curry?

In an intensely awkward congressional hearing of the House Foreign Affairs Committee on Thursday, freshman Rep. Curt Clawson misidentified two senior U.S. government officials as representatives of the Indian government.

The two officials, Nisha Biswal and Arun Kumar, are Americans who hold senior positions at the State Department and Commerce Department, respectively. Although both Biswal and Kumar were introduced as U.S. officials by the chairman of the Asia and Pacific subcommittee, Clawson repeatedly asked them questions about “your country” and “your government,” in reference to the state of India.

This is the sort of shit that fails the fiction test. If you tried to put it in a book or script people would lip-fart your unrealistic scenario into oblivion. No one, they would say, would be such a blatantly stupid and biased asswipe in this day and age, they would say.

However.

All bets are off when dealing with the clowns of the GOP. It is almost a magic power the way these morons find new and creative ways to fail.

And based on the high output of whinge from the right wing, commenting on this dumblefuck's insulting comments will be worse than 11,000 Hitlercausts.

Fuck them. Fuck him.

You call it a humanitarian crisis

But PETA calls the water shutoffs in Detroit a great opportunity for a publicity stunt!

Never has the phrase "Eat a bag of salted dicks" been more appropriate.

Big Ass Flag

And Wolverteens. 

This is fascinating. Really.

On a warm summer night, a guy in a heavy metal T-shirt sits out on the stoop of his Baltimore rowhouse with a beer and a guitar. He is our Narrator, and he's going to tell us the story of "The Battle of Baltimore"--the heroic tale of how his humble hometown stood up to the British in the War of 1812. At least, as best as he can remember it.

An instrumental interlude ("The Fugueness of King George") signals a shift in the scene to the Maryland countryside of August, 1814, where a raw mob of Republican lawmakers are urging their countrymen to press on in the two-year old conflict with Great Britain ("War Hawk!"), which is so far not going well. The arrival of British Rear Adm. George Cockburn and his Redcoat henchmen has the ill-prepared Americans beating a hasty retreat, and the cocky admiral boldly announces that that he'll quickly extract final vengeance on the American aggressors ("Too Rockin' To Lose").

As the invading British forces approach Washington, D.C., First Lady Dolley Madison remains behind at the White House, rallying the White House staff to save the celebrated portrait of George Washington ("I'm No Cupcake") before joining the other federal officials who've fled the capital. Adm. Cockburn commands General Robert Ross, commander of the British ground troops, to make an example of the city, and together they put several federal buildings to the torch ("Burning Down the White House"). The Narrator returns to ruefully observe the smoking aftermath and turn the audience's attention north, to Baltimore ("Narrator Interlude #1), where the invaders are poised to strike next.

Meanwhile, Major George Armistead, commander of Fort McHenry, pays an urgent visit to Mary Pickersgill, a local seamstress. He tries to convince her to make a gigantic American flag, to inspire his defenders when the British attack comes ("Big Ass Flag"). Across town, General Sam Smith, crusty Revolutionary War veteran and leader of the city's civilian militia, implores his fellow townspeople to take up arms ("Black Powder") and defend their city.

The battle begins: The British fleet moves into position just off Fort McHenry, and General Ross lands his Royal Marines and Army troops at North Point, marching toward the city. Beset by doubts about the wisdom of the plan, Ross nevertheless pledges to take the city by nightfall ("Baltimore of Hell"). Unaware that American snipers are moving into position in nearby woods, Ross pauses to confess his fears and tell his wife back in Ireland that this will be his final battle ("Empire of Love"). Suddenly, two American teenagers emerge from the trees and target the British commander ("Killing the General") before themselves dying in a hail of return fire.

The Narrator explains that the British land assault was turned back after Ross's death ("Narrator Interlude #2"); now it's Cockburn's turn to try to take the city by water ("The Bombardment"). Cockburn faces off against Sam Smith and the other Americans in a vocal duel; after a ferocious sing-off, Cockburn is unable to break the Baltimore defenses and is forced to withdraw.

As the British fleet departs, Major Armistead raises his flag and joins Sam Smith, Mary, and Dolley in leading the city's celebrations ("Run the Flag Up the Pole [And See Who Salutes]"). The Narrator returns one last time, to remind us that time can play tricks on the myths of our past ("The Battle of Baltimore [Reprise]") and to lead the entire company in a final salute to their hometown's resilience ("I'll Hold My Ground") and "Big Ass Flag [Reprise]").

I have no real thoughts on this, one war or another. OK, yes. I suppose if I crank the optimism up to 11, I could say the current residents of Bladensburg, MD will benefit from the interest in the cash. But also slight quease at a war celebration while Israel does unto Palestine what the Brits did unto DC only much, much, much harder.

OK, what I think is this: Do we have to have a fucking party for every single thing? Is the economy so bad that businesses are scrabbling through the historical timeline for incidents that can be turned into EVENTS? It's weird and gross.

 And was it necessary to drag harmless hard-rocking Australians into this, however symbolically?

Yay! War!

Seriously.

So you know about the War of 1812 and Ft. McHenry and Francis Scott Key writing the song that someone has to perform before the Superbowl can happen. But a few miles from where I sit the Brits showed up, and due to poor tactical decisions, they were able to kick ass, make their way down the Anacostia River and have a big sausage roast and sing-song around the embers of D.C.

So we're havin' a partay to celebrate!

On the one hand this is better than the sullen, non-stop promises that Next Time Things Will Be Different Just You Wait, from the great-great-grandsons of the Confederacy.

But ... A musical?

Waiting

Yuck

If you're tired of reading about various bad people doing various bad things to other people (often while slightly less nasty people cheer them on), why not take a break and read about a really, really, really thrifty doctor?

An investigation that found syringes were being reused at a West Virginia pain management clinic — whose operator had his medical license revoked in Texas — was triggered after a patient developed bacterial meningitis, a health official said Tuesday.

You're welcome!

Look, if you ever find yourself locked in debate with a libertarian and shouting "Look, Ayn Rand!" doesn't work, share this story and ask how the free market could prevent it. That is sure to buy you a couple of seconds of silence and you can make your escape/launch your attack.

Republicans try stealing the ball after the game is over

Several people have pointed out that today's ruling on the ACA has a glass hammer life expectancy.

I've been trying to imagine how they'll spin this into a positive for people have been to the doctor for the first time in decades or the hospital execs. who have already seen the financial benefits of the ACA. "Good news people! The long nightmare of physical and mental prosperity has been averted!"

Something like that.

I imagine when members of The Base complain because they lost their insurance and not just the 'orrible blahs, the ever-thoughtful GOP will tell them to spit out the government lotos blossom and yank on them bootstraps until their blood pressure or blood sugar reaches the proper level. Cancer patients - Pray.

Or maybe they'll finally produce that Conservative Alternative to Obamacare they've been promising. Ha ha ha! I made a funny. 

In the meantime, real people, even people that Republicans would acknowledge as real, will have to deal with the confusion this ruling generates. I'm sure that as the negative responses reach a certain depth, the GOP will gradually discover that this is all Obama's fault.

I'm also curious where this leaves Orange Boner's lawsuit. I guess he'll have to find something else to impress the faithful before the next election.

Assholes.

DISEASED IMMIGRANT DEATH SCARE.

You wish I was lying.


Tuberculosis (TB): Illegal Immigrants Bring Serious New Threats

By Elizabeth Lee Vliet, M.D. http://www.aapsonline.org/

Seventy-five percent of current illegal immigrants are coming from countries in Central America, South America, the Middle East, West Africa, China, India, Pakistan and others far beyond Mexico where multi-drug resistant tuberculosis (MDR-TB) is common and extremely widespread in children and adults. Extensively Drug Resistant TB (XDR-TB) is an even more serious form of TB accounting for about 10% of cases in these countries, particularly Central/South America and India. Many illegal border crossers now flooding the U.S. southern border, are carrying an invisible, disease-causing co-traveler: the Mycobacterium tuberculosis bacterium.

The AAPS, in case you're curious, is a basically a bunch of libertarian shitbirds who think things like participating in any health insurance plan whatsoever or being required to regularly show they're competent in their specialty is a gross affront to their freedumbs.

Surprise!


This is the sort of shit that regularly lands in my work inbox, in case you ever wonder why I get cranky.

Coming soon! Uriah's - Clothier for Men

How did this ever seem like a good idea? If you don't know the origin of the word, it is still sounds nasty. "Like my new scent? It's a Pecksniff!"

No. No. No.

About Pecksniff's

Who we are, and why we love what we do

Pecksniff's is a premier independent British Fragrance and Cosmetic House, embodying a passion for quality and exclusivity.

For decades our perfumers have created bespoke fragrances in our Brighton boutique, nestled in the heart of the famous Lanes, and from this unique heritage our globally renowned company has evolved to include our Pamper Studio and online store. We have combined our master perfumery skills with innovative cosmetic science to create inspiring collections of fine fragrance and luxurious body care for men and women, together with beautiful home fragrances to enhance all lifestyles.

All Pecksniff’s products are renowned for their quality, sophistication and creativity and are made from the purest ingredients and finest quality oils, sourced from all over the world. The Pecksniff’s brand philosophy encompasses all our experience and standards of excellence in both product and customer service, entirely dedicated to our customers’ well-being. We fully understand the importance of personal service and customer care. Discover Pecksniff's, and step into a world of pure pampering and fragrant indulgence.

Speaker John Boehner announces plan to create 100,000 new jobs by 2015

And then he rode off on his hippogriff, suckers. Here's what the No Frivolous Lawsuits party is really up to:

When House Speaker John Boehner announced last month that House Republicans would attempt to sue President Obama for failing to “faithfully execute the laws of our country,” he was vague about which executive actions they found objectionable. On Thursday, a draft resolution authorizing the suit revealed that it will focus on Obama delaying the Affordable Care Act’s employer mandate twice since last summer. “The president changed the healthcare law without a vote of Congress, effectively creating his own law by literally waiving the employer mandate and the penalties for failing to comply with it,” Boehner said.

Lie so you can invade a country and tear it to shit? Greatest president ever.

Change the deadline for enforcement of a law (the ability to do so being part of the law, I believe)? OMG OUTLAW TYRANNY!

The only good thing about this is that beneath the bluster you can hear the high pitched screeee-eeeech of Boner's fingernails as he attempts to keep a grip on his sinecure. Perhaps he is rattled by the fate of his co-mustelid.

The Reagan Years and other massive suck holes

I've lived in this area 99% of my life, but I was blissfully ignorant that Baltimore is home to something called The Reagan Years and it is not a house of horrors. Thanks Yelp D.C.!

Biography:

This band of seasoned musicians recreates the sounds of the 1980s; a day when Ronald Reagan was President, M-TV first aired, CDs emerged, Acid Washed jeans were "Cool" and alternative music was called "New Wave". This period has resurfaced in today's entertainment industry. VH-1 has multiple segments echoing from the 80's Video Generation, radio stations across the U.S. feature artists from the 1980s in daily "flashback" programs while 1980s anthems have permeated TV commercials.

Description:

The Reagan Years are the East Coast's premier 1980's tribute band. This seasoned quintet helped pioneer the 80's tribute band concept in 1996 and have become one of the Mid-Atlantic's strongest drawing acts. TRY plays the greatest Pop, Rock, New Wave and Hair Metal hits of the Video Era.

No Clash? No Bad Brains? What about The Jam?

I guess they aren't getting much play on the nostalgo-pop playlist. Perhaps because the nostalgo-pop playlist is tested approved by the sort of dicks who voted for Reagan and the band members are blissfully unaware of the fact that The Reagan Years sucked for a lot of people and the mention of that name causes dry heaves is sane human beings.

And if you think "These songs are being used to sell antacids and cars!" is a draw, something is amiss. We get it, this music is safe and clean and won't cause your kids to do drugs or stick safety pins through their noses. But shut up.

If you go to their website (go on, don't let me stop you) you'll see they insist they aren't a cover band.

Hahahahah hahaha. Whatever.

It was always my understanding that a tribute band is dedicated to one artist, so I don't know who they're trying to fool or why. But I guess if you're going to name your band after the person who claimed ketchup is a vegetable then it makes sense to call your cover band a tribute band. 


And to top it off, they're appearing at Union Jacks, a restaurant that exists to goad British people to re-invade. Or punch an American.  

And back again

My Independence Day holiday included camping, kayaking, fishing and ice cream for breakfast.

I hope everyone had a similarly fantastic break.

The Social Network v. Social Science

People plenty smarter than me are discussing Facebook's latest research study that involved users as subjects.

Do read the comments. Even if you don't need an intro to social science research, the comments will assure you that the internet is something more than sexually immature human beings, bigots and cat fanatics. (Not that there's anything wrong with the latter.)

Mayhem, Mayfield & More

The story thus far.

Campaign manager allegedly advises a blogger on how to get into a nursing home so he can take a picture of the opponent's wife, who is suffering from Alzheimer's. The blogger posts her picture on his website because this shows the opposition ... I'm not sure what, but I'm not a Republican. Blogger is arrested and charged with exploiting a vulnerable person. Campaign manager is arrested and charged with conspiracy. He kills himself and then:

Mark Mayfield's family plans to sue or bring charges against the city of Madison, its police department or "anyone responsible" after Mayfield's apparent suicide Friday.

Apparently his brother, also an attorney, is the one galloping around yelling "We'll see you in court!" And while I assume they won't sue the guy who pulled the trigger, it wouldn't surprise me, because these people appear to be confused.

Mayfield's relatives, already angered over his arrest in May in the U.S. Sen. Thad Cochran photo scandal, say Madison police were trespassing when they showed up at his home in Ridgeland after he apparently shot himself.

As I so often say when reading about the antics of Republicans "Do what?"

"911, what is your emergency?"
"Oh God, my husband ... I heard a gun shot and ... he's dead!"
"OK ma'am, stay calm. We're sending police -"
"Oh don't do that. I just wanted to tell you he's dead."
"Ma'am?"
"Yes, we'll take it from here. Do you know a good cleaning service?"

That's probably not what happened. Probably. But a lot of people are making straw out of the fact the police showed up after he shot himself.

Apparently the normal process in Mississippi after someone dies from high velocity lead poisoning is no one asks any questions. And here I was thinking that was only the case if a black person was the victim!

There's also a lot of "He was treated like a common criminal!" etc., because how dare the police department arrest a man who is wanted on criminal charges?