Monday, September 8, 2014

Ray Rice - Out

I had just finished chortling over Deadspin's article on the Ravens, which highlighted all the ways the team sucks, but with a special emphasis on its coddling of Ray "1-2 Punch" Rice. Some highlights:
So true. I feel AWFUL that Ray Rice's image was tarnished. That was the real tragedy here. It's not about the lady laying unconscious on the floor. It's about a man's LEGACY here. People forget that.

This is what kills me. Here are the Ravens doing the exact wrong thing in handling the Rice matter, and they're just so goddamn PROUD of it. They treat the spinning of Rice's domestic violence charge like an act of supreme, Gandhi-like unselfishness. "By God, if it's wrong to piss in a bucket and throw it on everyone, I don't want to be right!"

As an aside, the fact that a man wrote this article - without any apparent help from his mom or a hairy-legged feminist holding a loaded gun to his nads - is one reason why I have zero tolerance for the ass scratchers who claim it is unfair to expect men to behave like human beings because they just can't get it. Like there's some fundamental glitch in Man Brains that render them unable to understand that punching someone in the face just isn't done. First of all, fuck you. If you really do insist that men are rampaging animals with all of the self-control of a baboon on meth, you're arguing that all men should be shot if they make any sudden moves, like blinking. Second of all, fuck you even harder. This guy gets it and he's a sports writer.

But anyway, I had just finished reading this article when I heard that the Ravens - after displaying the behaviors you'd expect from a bunch of shitheads who struggle with the concept that women are human beings - had cut Rice's contract. What's to say, except "Took you long enough, assholes"?

I am sure we're in for a few weeks (or more) of whining about how unfair it is that this poor man was subjected to any sort of consequence for letting someone run into his fist with her face. There will be hysteria at Fedoralist meetings because if football players can't get away with punching women, who can? And I would bet any amount of money that in the near future an all-male panel on Faux Newz will decide Rice's wife is the real sexist for making him so mad that he had to hit her.

I will enjoy the tears.

Also - Ha ha ha ha!

Your quarterback: Joe Flacco. I'll go ahead and settle the meme for you now: He's not elite. Flacco threw more picks than any other QB in football last year not named Eli Manning (Eli is basically Flacco's NFC twin). His passer rating was worse than those of Chad Henne, Christian Ponder, Case Keenum, Kellen Clemens, and Mike Glennon. That doesn't happen with, say, Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning doesn't just go out and have entire season like that. OOPS SORRY GUYS! Flacco is a streaky passer who requires a good line, a top-rated defense, and a quality domestic abuser in the backfield to really flourish.

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